This is hard. Yes, this. Writing these words. I’ve never been one to really deal with death. In fact, I’ve always been the rock for other people grieving. I’m usually able to keep it together. Until now.
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I’m not here to tell you a story. I’m not here to fill in the blanks about how someone who was so supportive of me passed away unexpectedly a couple of weeks ago. I’m here to tell you that I never thought it would be this hard. What is it, you ask? Great question. It is the loss. The feeling of a gaping hole within you that wasn’t there before. The feeling of a sadness that doesn’t feel like it will ever go away. Sure, I do my best to distance myself from it. I submerge myself in work, the gym, instagram, baking… really ANYTHING. Anything to stop hurting.
Surprise. That only works for so long. I mean, if we’re having a real talk moment, I could keep the charade up forever. I could pretend that I was ok, but I’m not. I’m not ok. It’s like an uncontrollable sadness has come over me and just like the ocean that took my friend from me, it hits me in waves.
Like I said, I usually keep it together. I’m usually the strong one. Wait, I mean, the one that pretends to be strong.
You know when there is a moment in time when you feel numb? Yeah, the kind of moment when you just keep breathing with the hope that you’ll feel something? The breaths get deeper, you fill your lungs to capacity almost as if they are going to explode. Still nothing. My life was like that for too long. I have committed to feeling my pain, because the only way to move past it is to sit with it, hold space for it and process the fuck out of it.
Life is never what you expect it to be. Every day is a blessing and if this loss has taught me anything it’s to always be kind, always reach out and never, and I mean, never take it for granted. My heart is heavy and will probably be for a long time, I’m currently in that “sit with your pain” phase. I never thought it would be this hard.
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